I’m sorry for missing last week. I was too damn busy. I did end up writing an abbreviated version of the Raw Deal a couple of days after the fact, though. As a present, I’ll share an exclusive pic of me from the wedding of The Undertaker and Michelle McCool at the very end of this post. If you’re dying to know what I look like, this is your chance. I’ll even share a link to a podcast appearance I made too. I’m all about giving this week.

Live from Lexington, Kentucky this is the Raw Deal…

There was an edit on the Raw opening. No more voice of Jim Ross. Lots of people making a big deal about it. From JR’s twitter: “While @ gym got messages my voice was removed from Raw show open. If it matters, that’s news 2 me. Been nice 2 have been informed. Oh, well.” Vince hates JR. He loves Michael Cole, though. You figure it out. It hurts my head to think about it.

We learned right away that the main event would be 6 on 1 instead of instead of 7 on 1 because Cena took out Darren Young last week. In other words the team of below average workers has one less below average workers because management knows how limited they are in the ring. Bring back Danielson, please.

John Cena came out for promo time. It was the usual fare from him as he talked about Nexus and mentioned Sheamus was nowhere to be found last week. Then he talked about the PPV on Sunday, specifically their cage match. “I plan on ripping his face off and replacing it with his butt” was a line he actually used. I’m sure Vince thought it was a great line just as the 12 year olds did. He said nobody can interfere in a cage match. Sure. They can’t climb into the cage or beat up a ref to walk in through the door? I shouldn’t ask questions, I know. The Nexus boys came out. The GM emailed Cole and we were told if anybody interferes in the main event they’d be suspended 90 days. Also the Nexus boys, wearing giant N’s on their shirts, would be suspended if they didn’t legally tag in during the match. That’s nice. This wasn’t a great promo exchange. Average at best. And I wanted Cena to get beat up after this.

Alicia Fox d. Gail Kim (1/2*)
Eve looked freaking amazing in a summer dress. Then she spoke while on commentary and bombed big time. This is why they don’t let her talk. She sounded dull, boring and incompetent rather than those three words that WWE always uses. I like Alicia more and more every week. My only worry is she’s really going to hurt somebody with that sloppy looking axe kick. I’d ask for them to push Gail, but when she loses in two minutes you know it’s not happening.

We found out it’s Alicia vs. Eve at the PPV on Sunday. I doubt they get more than five minutes. I assume Alicia retains there. Just don’t let Eve talk.

The Usos & Tamina d. The Hart Dynasty & Natalya (*)
It’s Jimmy & Jey Uso. Who spells it Jey? Apparently he does. Natalya is of course the best women’s wrestler on Raw. There’s a tag title match at the PPV, which means whoever loses here is going over on Sunday. In other words, the Hart’s get their win back there. This was a very fast three minute Raw TV special. Nothing to see here. No time given to make anybody care about it or remember it later. Let’s hope the PPV match gets at least ten minutes.

Backstage, Barrett talked to Jericho. Thanked him for all his help. Jericho’s proud of him. Then Nexus ran into Yoshi Tatsu, who is apparently still employed and on Raw. They beat him up because he helped Cena last week. Nobody helps him of course. Racists!

They showed the band “I Fight Dragons” in the front row. Their song is being used at the PPV. Best part of this was Lawler marking out for them as if he had heard of them before he saw their name on the screen. That’s why Lawler is still employed. He’ll put anything over.

Ted Dibiase came out with Maryse. Holy shit she looked amazing. The woman is naturally amazing (well there’s nothing natural about her…uh…bonbons), but when she wears a dress she looks even more incredible. Damn. Ted spoke. I didn’t pay attention. It was something about a great couple, that being him and the briefcase. John Morrison showed up, Maryse yelled at him in French and he “translated” as best he could. He told some really bad jokes that didn’t make anybody laugh. Even the shitty announcers failed to fake a laugh. This was painful. Why don’t they put Morrison in matches? He shouldn’t be talking. Let his wrestling get him over. They fought, Ted bailed and we were supposed to think one of them might win MITB. That’s not happening.

There was a brutal Brady Bunch segment. Even a theme song featuring the comedy guys on Raw. And Florence Henderson. This was bad. Santino was there talking to here. So was Regal. They couldn’t save it. It was simply bad writing. A shining example of a bad guest host segment.

Plug time: I was a guest on Radio TKO on Thursday. I was talking about pro wrestlers jumping into MMA while also sharing some stories about wrestlers. The link to the show is http://www.mmasucka.com/mmasucka-radio/ and if you scroll to the one where it says “John Canton” as a guest (I believe second from the top right now) you can hear my appearance. I come on at the 71 minute mark and I’m on for about 15 minutes. More info here. Check it out! Thanks.

If you want me to be on your podcast, or if you want to recommend me to be on a podcast you listen to, email me at john@thejohnreport.net and I’ll probably say yes. I have one lined up this week too. I want to get myself out there more, so if you know of anybody or if you are somebody that would like to have me on as a guest please get in touch. I can do it over the phone or with Skype. Whatever works. I am seriously thinking about doing a regular podcast on my own on thejohnreport.net, but I want to get my feet wet by doing some guest spots first.

We got a video package about Edge winning MITB. Same as we’ve seen before. I think I saw Benoit in there for a second. I’m offended!

Edge d. Randy Orton (***1/4)
This was a very solid 13 minute TV match. They worked an even match with each guy having a decent amount of offense. The crowd was pretty hot for it too. It was very odd to see Orton get pinned by the reverse X-Factor move that Edge does considering Edge almost never wins with that move. I can’t remember him winning with that move, in fact. I know it was done as a surprise and it was done with Jericho doing interference. It’s just a little odd. Of course, nobody remembered it two seconds after it happened because Jericho hit Edge with the Codebreaker. Then Jericho turned around and Orton hit him with the RKO. Man, the fans popped HUGE for that. They are really popping for that move like nothing else in WWE right now. The highlight of the night soon followed.

Evan Bourne came out from the back and went after Orton. See, last week Orton gave him a RKO even though they were partners last week. Bourne came out for revenge. I love that continuity. He put Orton down. Went up. Orton was in the middle of the ring. No way he can hit the move from that far. He jumps, Orton springs up and hits a SICK RKO OUT OF MIDAIR! Damn. It was fucking pretty. No other way to say it. Now? If Orton doesn’t hit the move Bourne is still 2 feet short of hitting him, but that’s okay. They timed it perfect. The spot worked. It was replayed many times. It should be replayed in the future. It was a special spot in the same vein as the HBK superkick on Shelton Benjamin out of midair although I’d say the HBK spot was better than this. This was still EPIC and was one of those spots we’ll likely remember for a while. Here’s the Youtube clip of the spot although WWE could always take it down. I’m surprised Orton didn’t tear his shoulder celebrating the move. Take it easy, Randy!

Backstage, Nexus beat up John Morrison. The moral of the story is that the Nexus guys all hang out together while all the WWE babyfaces are apparently losers who hang out with nobody. Now you know.

The Miz came out to cut a promo. I thought he was phenomenal last week. It was my favorite thing The Miz has ever done because it was exactly what he needed to do to help his character get over more. That’s how you do an injury angle for a guy whose going to be out for a while anyway. It’s simple booking. And I’m glad it was done to benefit Miz. Of course he delivered on the microphone too. Well done by Miz. He has won me over big time.

The Miz vs. Mark Henry ended in a countout (NR)
Mark Henry is in the Money in the Bank match. Wow, Raw’s roster sucks in terms of depth. I guess losing all the time qualifies you for a potential future title shot. Miz beat the shit out of him. I cheer when Mark Henry gets beat up. Can’t help myself. He got thrown into the podium where Cole reads emails. It is made of steel of course, says Lawler. Of course it is. Then Miz beat him with plastic bins that probably weighed five pounds. They had the World’s Strongest Man, all 400+ pounds of him, selling pain from a 5 pound garbage pail. Unintentional comedy at its finest. Anyway, Miz is all serious now. Good.

Babyface Comedy Team beat Heel Comedy Team (-*)
Aside from Santino busting out the cobra this was brutal. I loved how Doink, probably the Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi, kicked out of the pin immediately after 3 as if he was protecting his push. That’s what Hogan would do during one of his rare losses instead of actually putting a guy over the right way. Doink is fucking with Khali’s push! What an asshole! Or not. Post match, Florence kissed Khali, which upset Santino. Who thought this was great? Vince. Nobody else. And nobody that works for Vince will tell him this was fucking terrible. Hell no.

Summerslam Recall was HBK over Razor at Summerslam 95 in the Ladder Match rematch. To me it’s the better of the two ladder matches, but both are five stars. I love it.

The Nexus team are going to be on NXT on Tuesday. Hide the garbage bins.

We got video of Money in the Bank with CM Punk winning and cashing in the briefcase last year on Jeff Hardy, which led to the feud of the year. I miss Jeff Hardy in WWE.

They had Edge backstage doing a promo to really sell the MITB match. He basically said he’s the best because he’s been there before. He lives for matches like that. There was a problem. Edge hasn’t won the most MITB matches like he said. He won 1. Punk has 2. We’re not supposed to remember Kennedy won. Edge of course beat him in a match to get a briefcase because Kennedy was injured. Selective memory, kids. Anyway, I did really enjoy the crazy look in his eyes while he talked about the voice in his head that told him he has no morals among other things. It looked like an ex-girlfriend of mine actually. That’s why she’s an ex. This was an above average promo to help sell the PPV. Nice work.

Backstage, Sheamus taunted an injured Bourne. NXT boys showed up. They beat him up. Nobody helped because as usual the Raw babyfaces are all losers. I laugh that some of these guys are intimidated by NXT. Heath Slater’s haircut makes him look like Wendy. You know Wendy? From the restaurant. That’s Heath Slater. I’d ask him for a Frosty. Anyway, they tried to intimidate Sheamus. He ran away in over the top, comical fashion asking to talk to Cena. Some nerd told him where he was as it went to break. That was funny.

I’ll have a Money in the Bank Preview up on Thursday most likely. Here’s a poll to vote on the Smackdown Money in the Bank match where you can pick the winner.

Nexus d. John Cena in a 6 on 1 match (*)
You know why it’s 6 on 1? Because other than Barrett and Gabriel, management doesn’t think much of the others as workers. I saw NXT. Can’t say I blame them. The match started near the top of the hour, so it was going to be short. Came in at around 7 minutes. The Nexus boys tagged out fairly often until Cena was alone with Barrett. He hit five knuckle shuffle and the AA except that Skip Sheffield was the legal man via the blind tag. Then we saw the same spots they always do. Skip with the hard clothesline, Otunga with the spinebuster variation and Gabriel with the 450 splash for the win.

Post match, Cena recovered Incredible Hulk style as if nothing was wrong. What a shocker, huh? He fought them off for a bit and just as they were about to come after him in came Sheamus with a chair. The Nexus boys ran away while everybody cheered. Cena was busted open at the very end too. I’m sure they were freaking out and they got lucky that it happened so late because they were able to roll credits to end the show. I think it would have been a good idea to have Cena and Sheamus realize they were alone and then start brawling for the hell of it. That would have been a solid way to end it.

Three Stars of the Show
1. The RKO on Bourne. Of course if he didn’t hit it Bourne would have landed flat on his face anyway, but the image was still great.
2. The Miz – Loved his performances the last two weeks especially.
3. Edge – A Canadian always seems to make it as a star.

Worst Moment of the Week
That promo backstage with Florence Henderson, Santino and Regal. Even the comedy styles of Santino and Regal couldn’t save that one. Brutal.

6.5 out of 10
Last week: N/A

I liked the show. The promos were mostly good, I thought the main event worked fine for what they wanted to do and the Orton/Edge match was solid. Everything with Florence Henderson was as bad as anything you’ll ever see on WWE TV, though. What a time killer. Thank God they are phasing out the guest hosts. I also think they could have promoted Cena vs. Sheamus a little better. It’s not a big deal, really.

It’s interesting to note that even though Orton and Cena lost their matches, they both came out looking very strong immediately after. In other words, WWE doesn’t want you to remember that they lost. They want you to remember that they stood tall. That’s called protecting your babyfaces, which is something WWE does well. Sometimes a little too well.

That RKO on Bourne was really fucking awesome, huh? No other way to say it. Great spot.

————

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Here’s the image from the Undertaker/Michelle wedding.

Congrats to the happy couple. Yes, that is my head. Thanks to my buddy Pat for his fine work on it.

Thanks for reading.

John Canton – john@thejohnreport.net
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