This week’s RAW starts with smoke all over the place. Ozzy and Sharon in the ring. Him in a throne, her next to him. He’s mouthing along with some of the words to his song that’s playing. They look thrilled to be there – as thrilled as he ever looks. He stands and gets the crowd cheering even louder. He welcomes everyone to Monday Night RAW. Then Sharon says it’s not the first time Ozzy’s been a in a WWE ring. Video of WM2 and then May 15, 2007 on SD!. He was in a peach suit and with Captain Lou at WM2! Back to them in the ring and he looks thrilled with what they showed. She asks if he remembers that. He says he absolutely does not. She says she hopes they remember tonight because it will be great. But then The Miz cuts them off. He comes out and asks Sharon if it’s going to be a crazy night. She says really, little boy. He asks Ozzy if he’s having a good time. Ozzy says fabulous. Miz says he’s a bigger star than Ozzy and his entire family combined. Sharon asks him, really? Really? Really little boy? He tells them to pay close attention to what he was to say right now. Really? Asks Sharon again absolutely having a blast screwing with Miz. Miz says he was robbed in his match with Evan Bourne. Due to outside interference, he lost, by count out. He wants it struck from the record and have the ref over turn it. He asks if they understand him. Ozzy turns and asks Miz, “Who the bloody hell are you?” Sharon laughs hysterically and asks, really? Miz says he’s the current US Champion, the Miz and he’s… Legacy cuts him off and Sharon laughs at him. Legacy out to the ring. Ozzy sits back down in his throne. Cody says Miz wants to complain about losing by count out? Does he know how petty that is? See, last week they bought Orton a very expensive, special gift. Ted says Cody knows Ted paid for most of it. It was a one of a kind NASCAR that was smashed, defaced and ruined by Kofi Kingston. Cody says they need retribution against Kofi in a Handicap Match tonight. Miz tells them to wait their turn as Ozzy and Sharon are going to deal with him first. Sharon, again, asks him, really? He says yes. But then Big Show’s music plays and out he comes, not smiling. Ozzy’s jaw drops when he sees Big Show coming down the ramp. Big Show addresses them to not listen to these whiners and complainers. Last week he was attacked and assaulted by the entire RAW roster. He demands an apology. Ozzy looks up at him and says (sounding somewhat dazed – as he‘s wont to do), “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Big Show scratched his head and said he didn’t want it from him. He wants the RAW roster to walk out and apologize to him face to face. If they don’t then they will each get one of these. Big Show makes a fist close to Ozzy’s face. Ozzy screams, “Sharon!” as he stares at the fist. Then DX’s music and out they come bouncing and full of life. The fans go wild for them, as usual. Ozzy on his feet and smiling. He sits and waits for them to join them all in the ring. Ozzy looks a bit star struck by them, full of grins. DX shakes hands with Ozzy and Sharon. HHH says he’s sorry they came out, but before this got out of control with the four ratings killers who came out to hijacking and destroying seg one of the show. He thought he’d come out and make the save. After all, they have a lot in common. Right now Ozzy has his book – cheap plug for the book. And DX has their book – another cheap plug! Miz says it’s not time for shameless plugs, it’s serious. HHH says he knows it’s serious, that’s why they’re going to take care of this Wizard Of Oz style, or should he say Blizzard Of Ozz style, right Ozzy? HHH says everybody gets what they want. Miz wants his loss off the record, right? HHH whispers in Ozzy’s ear. Ozzy says, “He’s going to fight Evan Brawn tonight.” Miz looks confused. More whispering and Ozzy says it’s for the US Title. Miz is pissed! HHH says close enough. HBK says he knows the two of Legacy want something. He can’t help them with WM tickets that go on sale Saturday. They want to go to WM, they better get in line for tickets on Saturday. Legacy don’t look happy. But they want a Handicap Match with Kofi, so – HBK puts an arm around Sharon’s hips and whispers in her ear. She says, “Tonight it will be Kobi Kingston facing his opponent, Randy Orton.” Sharon shrugs. HHH tells Big Show, calling him Benedict Fat Guy, they didn’t forget about him. Big Show say he knows what they’re up to. Maybe he doesn’t want an apology. Maybe he wants a warm up. DX in a Triple Threat Match. He can play their little game too, watch this. Big Show goes and whispers to Ozzy and Sharon. Ozzy says tonight there’s a Triple Threat Match, John Cena… but then HHH gets into the whispering and Ozzy adds Jericho and Big Show. Big Show doesn’t look happy. Big Show tells Ozzy that’s not what he said. Sharon tells Big Show that Ozzy has the final word. All the matches are final. And if you’re not down with that, I have two words for you. She holds the mic high for the fans to finish it for her. HHH behind Ozzy, HBK in front of him and the three did the DX pose. Sharon, to the side, did a DX pose too. Ozzy starts to leave the ring and goes under the second rope in what I normally would call the pussy way of doing it, but this is Ozzy and at his age, after all those drugs, he’s allowed a buy on that one.
– Commercial
WWE Rewind – Swagger outside the ring annoying Miz and talking to Eve on mic. Miz came out and then Evan flew onto them both. Miz lost by count out.
Miz is still in the ring looking surly. Evan Bourne out to face him.
They both stare and glare at each other. Miz starts stomping Evan all over the ring. Evan choked in the ropes. More stomping of Evan. Miz reversed an arm drag and then climbed the ropes and somehow hit a hurricanrana on Miz. Miz outside and Evan out onto his shoulder with his knees! Back in the ring Evan pins for two. Knee to Evan’s gut stopped Evan’s run. Evan hung up top across the gut. Kick to Evan’s ribs while he’s down. Abdominal stretch on a sitting Evan. Evan can’t make it to the ropes and gets Evan up, who lands in a crossbody on Miz for two. Miz gets Evan up for a suplex, but a knee to Miz’s knee stops it. Evan pins for two. Knee to Miz’s face and he lands in a corner. Evan onto a corner and flew back with another kick onto Miz for two. But then Evan into a corner sitting on the mat. Miz rushes him but Evan slides up, kicks Miz back and back rolls himself to sitting up top! (Damn impressive!) SSP but Miz moves and Evan lands on his feet. Miz hits a hip toss so Evan hits the corner upside-down. SCF from Miz for three.
– Winner – Miz
Video of Miz winning. Miz backs up the ramp in celebration.
– Commercial
Backstage is Josh who introduces Sheamus. Josh asks about him facing Noble tonight and is he trying to impress our host? Sheamus says Ozzy’s career should have been over a long time ago. After tonight Noble’s career will be over.
Sheamus out to the ring glowing white. Noble’s already in the ring. Forearm to Noble’s face and then Noble into a corner face first stomping the back of Noble who falls out of the ring. Sheamus throws Noble face first into the ring post. Noble sent back into the ring. Forearm to the back of Noble’s head. Thigh to Noble’s face a couple times then ripping at his face through the ropes. Elbow to Noble’s nose a couple times. Knees to Noble’s gut and then the backbreaker and Noble is a mess. Sheamus pulls Noble up. A kick to the skull and Noble is done. Sheamus covers, but then pulls Noble up before the three. Punches to Noble in the corner. He backs off the heads back for more. The ref checks on Noble and stops the match. No winner announced. More attacks on Noble who’s set up top and falls from the ring. Sheamus follows him out and pulls Noble to his feet. Noble up and a powerbomb to the floor. More refs out and one makes Sheamus leave while others check on Noble. Trainers out while Sheamus backs up the ramp to “You suck” chants. They bring a stretcher out to the ring as they work on Noble. Video of Sheamus squashing Noble. King and Cole talk about how frightening and awful it all is. Sheamus smiles on stage as they put a brace on Noble’s neck and strap him onto the board. More video of the powerbomb. Noble’s on the board twitching and the trainers start freaking at it. They didn’t announce a winner, only that the match was stopped.
– Commercial
Cole talks about the dissection of Noble. King says they’ll bring us any info when they find out. Video of Joey and Kyle spinning out in the parking lot last night. Then more video of Kofi beating Jericho, but then Orton out to attack Kofi. Orton went off on Josh about Kofi getting involved in his PPV match. Legacy gave Orton the car and Orton fell in love with it. Orton out to the ring and is pissed that he doesn’t get a rematch because the title is his. Kofi cut in on Orton’s tirade. Then Kofi destroyed Orton’s car with keys, crowbar and paint.
Backstage Josh stops Kofi on the way to the ring. Josh asks if Kofi has any regrets. Kofi said Orton lost and is a bully blaming anyone but him. He didn’t do it. Yes, he destroyed Orton’s car. Everything but the mirror. He left it so he can take a good hard look as to why he’s not Champion. He doesn’t regret a thing.
– Commercial
Orton out to the ring looking really pissed off. Kofi out, very happily, to face him. Once in the ring Kofi got serious.
Orton waggled his finger in Kofi’s face as they circled each other. Kofi talked smack right back at him. Orton bitch slapped Kofi, Kofi bitch slapped Orton right back! Forearms and kicks to Orton. But Orton took hold in a corner. The ref had to back Orton off. Orton pulled Kofi out and punched him to the mat. Another punch dropped Kofi. “Kofi” chants. Kofi fought back with a dropkick and clotheslined Orton from the ring. Out after Orton and forearms on the ramp. Both back into the ring, but Legacy ran out to get involved. Kofi sent Orton out on top of Legacy and then Kofi over the top to take all three down. Kofi back in with three outside. Ozzy on the tron. Sharon says it will be a Six Mat Tag Team Match. Let the madness begin, said Ozzy. The Cool Aid Gang came out to join the fun. Orton looks really pissed about this.
– Commercial
Ted on Kofi, but then Cody came in and Kofi gained control. Then Orton in and an arm drag on him. Side Russian leg sweep on Ted. MVP and Kofi hit their favorite moves in a double team on Ted. Facelock on Ted and MVP backs into his corner. Henry tags in and head butts Ted to the mat. Ted ducks a clothesline and low dropkicks Henry’s knee. Cody tags in and they try to double team, but Henry drops them both. Cody whipped and then MVP tags in. MVP rushed Cody who gets his feet up in MVP’s face. Cody tries to get MVP up, but he keeps blocking. Ted tags in, Orton distracts for double team, then a side Russian leg sweep and pin on MVP for two. MVP in the heel corner and Orton tags in. Punches MVP down in their corner and they help outside the ring too. Orton stomps the heck out of MVP. Ted tags in and kicks MVP in the head. Ted pins for two. Cody tags in and drops a knee on MVP’s face. Face/arm lock on MVP. MVP punches his way out but then runs into a dropkick. Cody pins for two. They keep MVP in their side. Orton tags in and stomps MVP in the back. Dropkick from Orton to MVP’s face for two. MVP back in the heel corner and the ref yells at Legacy not to touch him. Orton goes to drop a knee but MVP moves out of the way. But then he lands his next one for two. Forearms to MVP’s chest while sitting and a chinlock. MVP up and elbows out. MVP telegraphs and it kicked but then clotheslines Orton. Both down and need a tag. Orton up and knocks Kofi from the apron and drags MVP away. Ted tags in and hits a fast release belly to belly on Ted! Henry tags in and clotheslines Cody, who tagged in, Ted knocked from the apron. Head butt to Cody. Henry gets Cody up, but the ref’s distracted outside the ring and Orton attacks Henry’s leg. Henry drops Cody. Orton about to RKO Henry but then Kofi’s in and dropkicks Orton from the ring. Cody up on a corner but Henry catches the crossbody. Henry slams Cody and pins for the three.
– Winners: MVP, Mark Henry & Kofi
Orton is backing up the ramp and seething. Video of Kofi getting the better of Orton again. Kofi points out at Orton and yells out to him.
– Commercial
A whole set up in the ring. King is in there and says they’re in store for something. Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne’s RAW’s Got Talent. Three RAW Superstars will come out and show their talents. Their third judge is Khali! Khali comes out, kind of dances his way to the ring and is in a suit, sans tie! He looks the best I’ve ever seen him look! (Much better than his Wal-Mart pictures.) he grabs a mic and says something. King says Khali has a huge crush on Kelly! Sharon said they’d love him as a son in law. Santino’s coming out to sing ‘Bark At The Moon’. Ozzy’s laughing at Santino’s horrible Ozzy costume. Santino says he’s not singing that song because he’s not a dog. But he’s going to do something equally impressive. He tells them they’re very popular in Italy, Ozzy and Harriet! For his talent he’s going to bite the head off a bat…man. Out comes a small Batman figure. Sharon yells, “No, no!” Santino has to work himself up to doing it and acts all nauseated. Sharon yells that it’s rubbish! King says next, no, can’t be right. He says the card says Masters is coming out and doing a special performance piece to Ozzy’s ‘Crazy Train’. Masters comes out flexes his pecs to the music. Ozzy’s laughing his ass off! Sharon’s laughing too. King buzzes Khali’s buzzer to stop Masters. Sharon asks why he stopped it, he’s gorgeous! Singh said Khali said he found it oddly mesmerizing. Sharon agrees. King announces that the last two are a duet to sing – Chavo and Jillian. They come out to Chavo’s music. Jillian says she’s a huge fan. When she found out Chavo was singing and Ozzy song, she insisted they do a duet. The one with Ozzy and Lita Ford, ‘Close My Eyes Forever’. this made both Ozzy and Sharon shake their heads and put them down in their hands. Neither are at all thrilled by the song choice. They start swaying on the stage to the music. Jillian sings. Sharon covers her ears. Ozzy looks ill. Chavo’s singing isn’t any better, just less ear bleeding. They’re buzzed by Khali. Ozzy said he’s going to re-title that song ‘Close My Ears Forever’! Jillian said Sharon’s always been jealous of Lita Ford and she’s not a fan of Ozzy’s. Sharon calls Jillian a “little cow” and tells her to get over there. They walk down the ramp. Jillian talks up Britney Spears and starts singing a song of her’s. she sings right in Sharon’s face. Sharon pie faces Jillian for getting right up there. Chavo tells Ozzy he needs to control his wife! Ozzy says he can try it, but he can’t control her. Chavo says maybe he will. “Sharon” chants and Ozzy’s gets up and calls for more of them! Sharon calls her up to her. But then Khali stands up. Ozzy gestures to Khali. One hand chop to Chavo’s head and he’s down. Hornswoggle comes running down dressed like Jack Osbourne. Tadpole splash and then over to hug Ozzy and kiss Sharon’s hand. Khali gets to his feet and shakes Ozzy’s hand in a very gentlemanly way that impressed the hell out of me.
Kelly backstage in hot pink. The Bellas in gold. Then they see Gail Kim in blue and Eve in blue and black. They all head for the ring.
– Commercial
Next week the Special Guest Host is boxer Ricky Hatton.
Kelly, the Bellas, Kim, Eve and Fox in the ring for a Diva Battle Royal.
The fighting starts and they’re all over each other. Kim has Bella up, but she saves herself. Melina’s watching on a monitor backstage. Kim up top and out of the match as she hit the floor. Swagger comes slowly out to the ring. Eve takes Fox down in the center of the ring. One of the Bella knocked out, then the other right after her. Eve on Fox, but Fox threw Eve out. Kelly got Fox up on her shoulders and over to the side of the ring. They fight back and forth. Forearms to Fox’s face. Fox caught Kelly’s cartwheel back handspring splash, and threw Kelly from the ring.
– Winner: Fox
Fox dances around the ring in celebration.
King and Cole show what happened to Noble earlier. They show the worst bits of it again. King said their still working on Noble. Cole said he suffered serious back and neck injuries and they’ll have more info next week. Then video of the Osbournes posing with DX. Then Sharon pie facing Jillian and Hornswoggle joining them as their son.
– Commercial
Cole talks about what has happened between Ray and Batista. They go to video from last SD! When Batista finished his heel turn.
Backstage are Ozzy and Sharon. They’re being all cute, cuddly and talking about nothing really. Then Jericho is there in their faces. He said they’re making a mockery of RAW like every guest host they’ve had. Not respecting Jericho, not consulting with him about anything. RAW’s Got Talent? Jericho has talent. “Oh yeah?” asks Sharon! Jericho says he’s the best in the world at what he does. Part of that is because of Ozzy. Ozzy’s confused (shocker). Jericho said growing up Ozzy was his hero. He went to Ozzy’s concerts, listened to the music, memorized lyrics. Jericho did a short Ozzy impression and was damn good! Just like Ozzy he grew his hair long and dyed the tips purple. He pandered and begged for the adulation and cheers from the fans. Then he realized he didn’t need to pander to these parasites. He didn’t need fans. He was better than all of them. Now he’s better than Ozzy. Sharon laughed and Ozzy said he didn’t think so. Jericho said he does. If they ever disrespect him again, it will be the ultimate sin. Sharon mocked him and mover her hands teasing him talking away. She laughed at him. Jericho left and Ozzy asked who the heck was that joke? He went mumbling on about some crazy people and they think he’s crazy.
HBK and HHH in the camera view, obviously backstage. HHH is talking to someone off screen about talking to their legal team, they understand the ramifications of all this. HBK has a legal degree from the University of Stockholm. The camera pulls back to show them talking to Hornswoggle still dressed like Jack Osbourne, hanging on a hook of some sort from the back of his shirt. They understand what this means, they need two weeks where he doesn’t’ infringe upon their personal intellectual property. Does he understand? He doesn’t. HBK says Jack Osbourne is fine. HHH takes off the wig and Hornswoggle removes the sunglasses. HBK goes on to say that if he goes out and imitates DX again he’s in big trouble. Hornswoggle starts crotch chopping up there. Then Cena comes and takes the little guy down as they demand to know what he’s doing. HHH demands to know if Cena understands how long it took them to get Hornswoggle up there? Cena says he does, but you can never hang a leprechaun on a hook. His uncle did it once, once. He knows a heck of a lot more than they think. Hornswoggle is the reason they’re all fighting each other at SS. Hornswoggle ran off laughing. HBK says he doesn’t think Hornswoggle knows or cares. HHH says about the Triple Threat Match, he’s not sweating it as he beat Cena two weeks ago. HBK laughs and says they’ll be in England, that’s where HBK beat him. Cena says they all beat each other all the time! Then Cena realizes what he said and looks over to see the Bella Twins. They look at him funny and leave. Cena yells that it didn’t come out right and throws his hat down. HBK gets on Cena for that. HBK says one thing Cena won’t misunderstand, no one will misunderstand, HBK took physics. He knows for a fact that DX has a mathematical probability of walking out champions. HHH says it’s mathematics! Cena says everyone knows about his wacky online law degree, physics certificate, are a Shop (photoshop). The odds are against him, but it’s a Triple Threat and anything can happen in a triple threat. He doesn’t need to be pinned to lose. They could be beating up on each other. Don’t believe him? Watch tonight. Will be the same as SS. He won’t have two words for them, he’ll have four – The champ is here! Cena runs out and HBK slams down his hat saying he’s begging people to get their own material! Can’t have everybody stealing their stuff!
– Commercial
WWE Slam Of The Week – last Monday was HHH versus Big Show with Cena as ref in a Lumberjack Match with everyone on Big Show in the end. AA on Big Show, then sweet chin music and a pedigree for HHH to pin for three.
DX at announce. HHH standing on announce crotch chopping. HHH dropped his head set and blamed King for it, laughing the whole time. HHH made a comment about this not being easy, people yelling in your ear the whole time! Cena out to the ring. HHH is still annoyed about how long it took them to get the leprechaun up on the wall, people have no idea! They start talking numbers again and HHH says HBK has a physics degree for the University of Budapest. Jericho is out next looking totally pissed off. Big Show is last but biggest to the ring. They talk about shameless plugs at the announce table. Then HHH goes off on Cole about going on. They’re obviously counting in his ears to go to commercial but Cole keeps going and going!
– Commercial
Big Show has Cena outside the ring and pulls him to his feet by his head. Big Show wants to send Cena into the ring post but Cena reverses it. HBK’s trying to announce, but failing miserably and doesn’t know how they do it. Cena in the ring and on Jericho. Cena suplexes Jericho for two while HHH starts yelling, “Vintage DX, vintage DX!” HBK said if he could say vintage a lot it would help! Big Show trips Cena from outside and then pulls him out. Big Show stomps Cena then sends him into the barrier. HHH asks if people saw Big Show on that show, I’m Fatter Than The Entire 5th Grader? What’s that show? King helps him through it. Cena thrown back in, but when Jericho pins Big Show pushes him off. They go on and on about Big Show being dumb and 18 in the 5th grade. They both work over Cena in a corner. Slaps to the back of Cena’s head as he’s down. Big Show suplexes Cena and then Jericho stomps the back of his head. Cena up and starts fighting back but is seriously throws him off. They pick on Cena’s new John Deere shirt. HHH says he’s changing to green tights with pointy toed boots, saying all the way with the Robin thing – how Cena’s too much the nice guy. Jeri-Show keeps working Cena over hard. They taunt him. Elbow to Cena’s back from Jericho and then a forearm to his back from Big Show. Back drop to Cena from Jericho. They went back to math at the announce table. Jericho on Cena in a corner. HBK tells Cole to shut up and can’t he at least be the mathematical genius here? Cena is whipped by Jericho. King says 80% statistics are made up. HHH says 80% of statistics are wrong 70% of the time. Cena to his feet but then Big Show sends Jericho flying into Cena in a splash. Big Show goes to back splash Cena, but Cena moves and HHH says it’s vintage Big Show. Super Cena works over Jericho. Bulldog to Jericho but a spear from Big Show. Jericho covers but Big Show pulls him off they argue and Jericho pushes Big Show. They argue more and Jericho bitch slaps Big Show. Big Show is pissed, takes Jericho by the throat and sends him from the ring. Cena about to gain control, but runs into Big Show grabbing him for a chokeslam. Cena free and Big Show up for the AA, but Cena can’t hold him and falls to the mat. Big Show rolls Cena over and moves him into a corner. Big Show up on the second ropes. Big Show comes off at him, but Cena moves. Kick to Big Show’s face. Big Show rushes Cena in a corner and both of Cena’s feet come up. Cena shoulder blocks Big Show from the ring and Cole says it’s vintage Cena. A couple shoulder blocks to Jericho in the ring, then a slam to the mat. King says this is vintage Cena. Cena hit’s a five knuckle shuffle and Cena gets Jericho up for the AA, but Big Show on the apron punches Cena in the head. Cena falls back dropping Jericho who rolls up Cena for three.
– Winners: Jeri-Show
Big Show glared at Jericho, but then offers his hand to shake. Big Show locks his choke on Cena while Jericho locks on the walls. DX up to get involved. HBK first in the ring and Big Show knocks him down with a punch. HHH on Jericho and then to Big Show, but a head butt from Big Show and a code breaker and HHH is done. Jericho screams smack at DX then raises Big Show arm. Video of Big Show punching Cena and Jericho pinning. Then the further attacks after the match.
Biggest pop
Ozzy & Sharon
DX
Kofi
Cena
Biggest heat
Jeri-Show
Orton
Legacy
Chavo & Jillian